Nikki Tilley watched as her parents, John and Barbara Tilley, grew the small family business from their basement to selling across the globe and opening two stores in the Lower Mainland.
For this 40-year-old married mother of two (she has a seven-year-old daughter, Emma, and five-year-old son, Charlie) it was hard to see her dynamic mother become seriously ill from congestive heart failure and emphysema. Before long, Tilley went from being president of Tilley Vancouver and raising her family, to taking on another role: caregiver for her ailing mother.
In Tilley’s case, caring for her mother means different things at different times. Sometimes it means driving her to medical appointments or grocery shopping – but other times the caregiving becomes more involved. When her son, Charlie, was born prematurely in 2012, her mother was also in Lions Gate Hospital with a chest infection, so she divided her time between her son and mother’s bedside.
“The emotional support at times is overwhelming, yet I have found strength through my family,” says Tilley. “When I need it, I ask for help from my family, siblings and friends.”
At times, Tilley is so busy juggling overseeing both stores, her kids’ needs and her parents’ needs that there isn’t a whole lot left for anything else. “I used to volunteer for the Special Olympics but I just can’t do it,” she says. “I have had to learn to say no to certain things.”
Tilley sees herself as one of the lucky ones though. “I have the luxury to be able to take time off of work because my amazing staff can look after things when I just can’t be there.”
Pulling triple duty ■ Tilley is part of a growing segment of the population dubbed the sandwich generation.
According to Statistics Canada, those in the sandwich generation are typically middle-aged women between 35 and 44 years old, who have a living parent over 65 and are still raising kids under the age of 18. The sandwich generation is now mostly composed of those from generation X (those born between the early 1960s and the early 1980s).
That translates to more than two million Canadians making up part of this growing phenomenon – 28 per cent of all caregivers in Canada. That number is expected to rise as Canada’s population ages and the older generation is no longer capable of caring for themselves.
Jen Murtagh, CEO of the Minerva Foundation, understands all too well what Tilley is going through.
Besides her busy career, the single mother of two (Ronan is four and Kaylee is seven) has been looking after her 81-year-old father, Peter Murtagh, since he became a paraplegic in December 2016.
“He came back from Bali with excruciating pain in his back and we learned he had Stage 4 prostate cancer and a spine fracture,” says the 38-year-old. “Since my brother lived in New Zealand, I became his primary caregiver.”
She admits the first three months after her father’s diagnosis were a blur. “During the beginning, I was just trying to stay afloat.… I had to quickly learn how to navigate the health-care system to get my father in the best assisted-care facility I could.”
Ask for help, find balance ■ Murtagh’s days start at 5:30 a.m. in order to get her children to school by 7:30 a.m. Then, it’s a full day at the office. At 5 p.m., her next job starts. There is dinner, homework, shuttling kids to activities and tending to an elderly parent who needs special care – all requiring her precious time and energy.
“I had to accept that I needed to ask for help sometimes. I also discovered to lean on my support system to help me cope with all of the demands placed on me,” she says. “In addition, I decided to make sleep a priority, so for now, I have forgone my exercise regimen.”
Besides asking for help, Murtagh says her faith has kept her strong. “When Dad first got diagnosed, I couldn’t take time off work. So, I had to pack up his apartment in the evenings and weekends,” she says. “I couldn’t have done it without my faith.”
Today, Murtagh visits her father three times a week, while ensuring he is comfortable and cared for at his assisted-care facility. “I also manage his bills and take him to his doctor appointments,” she says.
For Murtagh, finding balance in her life means carving out time for herself at least once a week. “It can be the luxury of a bath, a glass of wine with a good book or girlfriend time,” she says.
Joanne Sherwood’s story is similar. The 44-year-old full-time registered nurse couldn’t have imagined how her life would change when her mother was diagnosed with dementia. After a brief hospitalization, her 78-year-old mother and 78-year-old father moved into the home she shares with husband Marc and two young daughters.
For four months earlier this year, the Filipina-born registered nurse was a caregiver to her mother while splitting her time ferrying around her daughters and working. “I do have two siblings who would, if asked, take Mom so we could have a family weekend getaway now and then,” she says.
Now that her parents have recently moved back into their Richmond apartment, Sherwood says she has a little more free time. Today, she takes her parents grocery shopping and to doctor’s appointments, and spends time with them to make sure they eat properly. “My alone time is when I go grocery shopping,” she says.
Don’t try to be superwoman ■ Although trying at times, all three women agree they have relinquished trying to be superwomen. “I can’t be at all of my children’s events and I’ve made peace with that.… I’ve released the guilt,” notes Murtagh. “I’m just doing the best job I can.”
For Tilley, it means relegating work. “For sure, my work has been affected somewhat,” Tilley says. “When I’m not on my game or if I feel less efficient some days, I ask for more help from my employees. For me, time with my family is more precious than ever and it’s really important to be with my mom.”
Sherwood agrees. “Initially, I took a lot of unpaid time off from my job as program co-ordinator at [BC] Women’s Hospital and they were wonderful about it. My girls have also been understanding when I haven’t been able to be there for certain activities. I just do what I can.”
