An updated inventory of high-priority classified ad opportunities

As part of our effort to monetize content here at Business in Vancouver, we wish this week to set aside the space normally reserved for this column to provide our new classified advertisements feature. If you would wish to purchase similar such ads, please reach out.

Wanted: National leader with resolve to match deeds with words on uncertain multibillion-dollar national energy project. Must be willing to roll sleeves up for more than optic appeal. Jobs, international reputation for climate change plan, best market price for commodity, political credibility, Constitution at stake. Face-to-face meeting required; please don’t tweet interest. Apply before May 31.

Seeking: Entry-level finance minister to run once-stable B.C. economy. Must be ready to apologize and reverse course for misguided zeal when efforts induce unintended consequences. Numeracy an asset, but seemingly not essential. Economic modelling of radical plans discouraged. Must be tolerant of daily criticism from political allies and adversaries alike. Leave message for John.

Free to a good home: Local mayoralty posts. Litter of nine and counting. No experience necessary.

For sale: Must rid local delegation of tickets to far-flung destination. Suddenly can’t be seen to travel. Purchasers must be willing to spend up to several minutes abroad on official business as part of several-day visit. Contact Metro Vancouver board.

Personals: Saw you on golf course. Large man, small hands, white shirt, red cap, bright orange face and wavy golden hair. You left pricey Titleist Pro V1 ball in the bushes, dropped other ball in fairway away from partners, shouted you had found ball, assume you must have thought actual ball was lost. But it wasn’t. Email to return.

Jobs: Looking for social media titan to lead two billion people with trust. Regular contrition, occasional respect for privacy required. Dress code: ultra-casual, blue suit and tie optional in rare instances when in the presence of elders. Competitive compensation based on business model of pretending that sharing is caring. To apply, log on and take our quiz.

Announcements: After long but vain attempts at reconciliation, Vancouver regrets to announce the separation of Affordable and Housing. The couple has concluded the estrangement is irreconcilable and they must part ways.

Lost: Two Sedins, sentimental value, irreplaceable. Last seen happy and wearing blue tops and matching facial hair. Please return to Rogers Arena.

For rent: Empty home, owner with no intention to ever live here, used for quick-gain investment, vehicle for speculation, perhaps security of funds fleeing undemocratic regimes. Owner recently cowered, capitulating to whopping 1% municipal tax on appraised value, given asset growing at mere 15% annually. Email

Driving: Looking for fellow travellers to share ever-escalating gas expense for quick ride over cliff. Email

Business opportunity: Popular herbal product retail outlet catering to anxious and youthful local market. Laissez-faire regulatory environment. Located conveniently near schools and community centres. Long-term and dependable supply chain. Must be respectful of motorcycle clubs. Cash only.

Offering: Experienced instrument of accountability, in decline due to lack of renewal, failure to engage audience. Challenges treated lightly by community, but still capable of service. Fixer-upper. Contact

Land for sale: Ideal to build, build, build supply, supply, supply. Must be willing to wait years for permits, conduct intergalactic search for tradespeople, create attainable housing on most expensive parcels in Canada, earn derision from community for trying your best.

Obituary: Homelessness Promise, born 2008, raised amid distressed circumstance in Vancouver jointly by Annual Pretense and Misled Community. Founder scheduled to depart in October. Leaves thousands of survivors. 

Kirk LaPointe is editor-in-chief of Business in Vancouver Media Group and vice-president of Glacier Media.