“Hello. City of Vancouver Energy Future Information Hotline. How may I help you?”
“Yes, hello, I’m calling to ask about the 2050 ban on natural gas in the city.”
“Sorry, sir, you’re mistaken. There is no ban, as countless city officials have said.”
“But I read in the paper –”
“Sir, the ill-informed writing in our newspapers reflects a deterioration of the craft of journalism, coincidental with the ascension of our city’s robust leadership and a commensurate lack of appreciation thereof.”
“Right, but what I want to know is whether the city is banning natural gas.”
“Sir, the use of fossil fuels is an immoral exploitation of the planet we know and love like none other. My husband and I were talking about this on the drive to work this morning.”
“Yes, but as I understand it, our buildings will not be permitted to use natural gas.”
“Why, sir, perish the thought. In fact, it will be even better natural gas than today because it will be renewable natural gas.”
“Hmm, as I understand it, our energy utility company doesn’t have a significant source of those renewables.”
“Um, well, I can transfer your call to them. Hold the line, please.”
“No, no, no, I just want to know this from you: your website says these renewables are available.”
“Yes, sir, they most absolutely are.”
“But FortisBC says there aren’t nearly enough, even on the horizon.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t available.”
“You mean they’re just not, quote unquote, available?”
“Very good, sir, now you’re starting to understand.”
“By the way, did you run this idea by FortisBC? I mean, shouldn’t they have helped create the policy?”
“We let them know. We took a group photo when we put the letter in the mail.”
“Is that the one online with all of you bent over with laughter?”
“Sir, that’s not laughter. That’s community engagement.”
“But, am I going to be banned from using natural gas?”
“Let me ask, sir: do you regularly visit people outside Vancouver?”
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“Well then, issue solved. Visit more regularly. Cook for your hosts. It’s generous of you. Builds character and community.”
“I see also that you expect more of us will be using this new district energy utility.”
“Precisely. Magnificent idea. Ahead of its time. A brilliant vision. Tremendous leadership.”
“But isn’t that owned by a supporter of –“
“Sorry, sir, your line is breaking up. Can’t hear you. Hello? Hello?”
“Well, just to clarify, I need a straight answer –”
“Let me transfer you –”
“No, no. I just want you to level with me. Eventually I won’t be able to use my natural gas barbeque or stove or heater, right?”
“Eventually all sorts of things end, sir. I mean, for instance, you sound of a certain age –”
“You’re not hearing me. I’ve read that awfully soon there won’t be any new buildings allowed to install natural gas lines.”
“Sir, we believe in living in the moment here at city hall. Would you like us to send you our annual report from the city Advisory Council on Mindfulness?”
“What about all the businesses that will be hurt? The restaurants –”
“Don’t eat out. It’s expensive. You can’t afford it. Stay at home.”
“But you just suggested I won’t be able to cook with natural gas at home.”
“Sir, that was 30 seconds ago.”
“You know, this sounds like another one of these symbolic, far-off-in-the-future schemes of political optics with no real meaning and urgency.”
“We believe in living in the future here at city hall.”
“I thought you like to live in the moment.”
“Sir, that was 15 seconds ago.”
“Enough, enough, I’m getting impatient.”
“Sir, please, I’m concerned. These sorts of emotional outbursts can shorten your time on this planet we’re protecting. You may not live until –”
“2050?”
“Thank you for calling.”
Kirk LaPointe is Business in Vancouver’s vice-president of audience and business development.
